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Choose Your Own Adventure

January 8, 2019

 

My family is still peeved that I made them watch Netflix's Bandersnatch. Listen, the concept of a real-life, choose-your-own-adventure type movie SEEMED like a good idea. Good idea, but poor execution. I hope the producers of Black Mirror maybe give the concept another chance.

 

Then I realized that the news media in America is a live-action version of Bandersnatch. Would you like to play along with me?

Good. Let's start with the hot-topic button of the day. Should President Donald Trump build a Wall between the United States and Mexico?

 

YES 

1. Should we build the Wall on solid ground or on top of the bodies of dead Central American Immigrants?

On top of Dead Central American Immigrants? You are watching INFOWARS.

On Solid Ground? Next question. 

2. Should we build the Wall with armed snipers and landmines?

Armed Snipers and Landmines? You are watching Breitbart.

Just a Wall? Next question. 

 

3. Who is going to pay for this Wall? 

God. You are watching The Blaze.

Human Beings. Next question. 

 

4. Are these human beings True Patriots or Average Americans.

True Patriots. You are reading The American Thinker. 

Average Americans. Next question.

 

5. Should we pay for the Wall through the budget or through emergency measures?

Emergency Measures. You are reading Red State.

A budget. Next question.

 

6. Do we want the $5 Billion Wall or Any Wall.

$5 Billion Wall. You are reading the Washington Times.

Any Wall, any size, even a tall fence will do.

You are watching Fox News.

 

In case you forgot the original question, let's start again. Should President Donald Trump build a Wall between the United States and Mexico?

NO

 

1, Why don't you want the Wall?

Because Donald Trump is the Devil.

You are watching CNN.

Literally any other response. Next question. 

 

2. Is a celebrity you like against the Wall?

LeBron says no Wall. 

You are reading ESPN.

Lady Gaga says no Wall. 

You are reading The Huffington Post.

Ellen says no Wall.

You are reading the Daily Beast. 

Kendrick Lamar says no Wall.

You are reading Rolling Stone Magazine.

Celebrities are irrelevant in the Wall debate. Next question.

 

3. Are you against the Wall based on the premise that walls are racist.

Yes, a wall can be racist.

You are reading Mother Jones.

No, walls can't see. Next question.

 

4. Are you against the Wall based on the premise that walls discriminate against the poor.

Yes, a wall can discriminate.

You are watching MSNBC.

No, walls can't think. Next question.

 

5. Are you are against the Wall...<<<zzzz>>>

If you are asleep. 

You are listening to NPR.

If you are still awake. Next question.

 

6. Are you against the Wall because all your liberal friends are against the Wall?

Yes.

You are reading the USA Today.

No, I can think for myself. Next question.

 

7. Are you against the Wall based on principle?

Yes.

You are reading the AP News.

 

No. Next question.

 

8. Are you against the Wall because we're going to spend $5 Billion on a slab of concrete and metal, then a Democrat will (eventually) be elected to the Presidency?

 

And then we're going to have to tear the damn thing right back down!

You are reading Beacon of Speech.

 

 

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