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  • Fred

Attention: Metalheads

A few days ago, I spent the morning reading about Alice in Chains.

Why? I don't even remember why, but once I skipped from article to article, my thoughts began to meander a bit. Why isn't Alice in Chains in the Rock Hall, I wondered? Again, Rock Hall run by dopes and corporate shills. When Layne Staley died he weighed 88 pounds. I remember after my car accident when I was a youth, I was 6 foot tall, rail thin, and weighed 142 pounds. Staley was about my height, meaning that he was Holocaust Skinny when he died.

I'm glad Alice in Chains is still around. I like Jerry Cantrell, and I like that the rest of the band have kind of figured things out.


But reading about Alice in Chains all morning wasn't without its consequences. When I was on the Daily Mail news site I decided to go back to do some BOS research. As I looked on the right side of the page, this ad came up.....

Worst. Business. Plan. Ever.

What? 100 dudes for every gal that signs up?

Again, as a young man, my metal band of choice was Anthrax. Went to see Anthrax live in 1989 for the Headbangers Ball Tour. Anthrax, Helloween, and Exodus.

Anthrax Review: Anthrax was Awesome!

Helloween Review: Helloween was Abysmal!

Exodus Review: Exodus was Surprisingly Good.

The point is, I don't think there was one girl in the whole theatre.

Not one fan.

Not one working security.

Not even one selling Pepsis.

The Headbangers Ball Tour was a huge sausage-fest.

I think Joey Belladonna may have been hiding some groupies deep, deep down in the bowels of the Playhouse Square Theatre district-

I digress, though. I have never, ever, met a girl who just listened to metal. I've met girls who tolerated metal when their boyfriends were listening to it, or I've met girls who listened to "metal," like Guns and Roses or Motley Crue.

But I'm not talking "metal" like Lita Ford and Ozzy Osbourne duets. I mean real, scrape-your-face-off metal.

I know these girls exist, but not in any sort of numbers that could support any type of sustainable business model.


I'm not sure why I'm even writing about Metalhead Dating, I'm a happily married man. I think it's because the concept is so absurd that I think the website is stealing money. Then I thought "hmmm, maybe I'm out of touch. Let's randomly check out a contemporary metal band that I respect."

Googled Municipal Waste Live HD. This is what I got:

Watched the first 20 minutes of Municipal Waste at Bloodstock 2017. Nice circle pit....Counted 1, 2, 3... 6 girls out of thousands of fans.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

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