Yesterday, weather-wise, it was a beautiful night, a perfect night to go to the Drive In. Luckily we have one at the edge of our town run by a nice family and we always have a good experience there. [Autorama Drive In located in North Ridgeville.]
So let me be clear, let me be concise, my beef today isn't with the Drive in per se, but with the movies found at our local outdoor theatre.
Aladdin & Dumbo? What year is this? What's the scam here?
Everyone remember's Disney's classic 1992 tale of Aladdin & Princess Jasmine.
Apparently a bunch of Disney corporate lackeys were sitting in a board office one day....
Middle Manager: How can we drive sales in the Asian markets?
Creative Consultant: How about a live action Aladdin?
Corporate Lawyer: Love it, we already own the rights, and the re-make will drive interest in the original. Load the Disney stores with Aladdin merchandise. How much is in the overseas film budget?
Accountant: Let me run it up the ladder, but I think with the right big name actor, we can have nearly $200 million.
Middle Manager: I'll pitch it upstairs. Any ideas for lead actor?
Creative Consultant #2: How about Will Smith? Everyone loves Will Smith.
Middle Manager: I can't imagine that idea getting turned down. Let's make a movie.
Creative Consultant #3: We need a "name" director. Do you know how much that Madonna divorce cost? Let's try Guy Ritchie.
(Imagine a room full of guys in suits laughing.)
Or, in a different conference room across the campus of the Disney Studies.
Middle Manager: The bosses want us to reboot Dumbo. Let's brainstorm.
Creative Consultant: How about a live action Dumbo.
Corporate Lawyer: Love it, we already own the rights, and the re-make will drive interest in the original. Load the Disney stores with Dumbo merchandise. How much is in the U.S. film budget?
Accountant: Let me run it back up the ladder, but I think with the right ensemble cast, if the bosses came up with the idea, I'm sure they'd give us $200 million.
Middle Manager: I can't imagine that idea getting turned down. We'd be selling Dumbo, a cultural icon. Let's make a movie.
Creative Consultant #2: We need a "name" director. Do you know how much that Helena Bonham Carter divorce cost? Let's try Tim Burton.
(Imagine a different room full of guys in suits laughing.)
Technically, Godzilla: King of the Monsters is Godzilla XXXIX (39), but the disclaimer from Legendary Pictures is that it's only Godzilla II in the "MonsterVerse" Series. Really.
Plot of all Godzilla movies? Godzilla angry, smashes stuff. (Usually in Tokyo.)
I've seen that movie before.
And Pokemon Detective Pikachu? Technically Detective Pikachu is Pokemon XXII (22)....Wait, you're kidding? This one is live action, too? And according to the ever accurate internet, Pokemon XXIII (23) is coming out in August. The gimmick of Pokemon XXIII is that it's a CG animated re-imagining of the original Pokemon movie.
"Hey kids? Do you want to see any of these movies?"
"No, we're not losers."- Surly Tweens
Again, don't blame the venue, blame mindless, business driven executives in Hollywood that only judge a movie in 2 ways:
(A) Did the movie make money?
(B) Did the movie win a shitload of awards?
Try making GOOD movies.
For those pondering important questions, yes, the Autorama still plays this video at intermission:
