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Rex Huppke: Christian Hero

This is from Rex Huppke, WORD FOR WORD VERBATUM, at the USA TODAY.

"Christian Heritage Month 2023 has arrived, and with it are predictable waves of left wing bellyaching over the audacity of American Citizens – or teachers, or schools, or pretty much anyone – showing support for the Christian people.

Department stores were targeted by online bigots for displaying Christian Heritage Month merchandise. Then the ire of the “anti-Christ” crusaders turned on Kohl’s, again for the crime of selling Jesus T-shirts. Bud Light was already in hot war-on-religion water for briefly partnering with a Christian Preacher. Even Chick-Fil-A got sucked into the boycott blender after people found out the company – brace yourselves - was displaying religious imagery at their restaurants, instead of cartoon caricatures of cows, and talked about highly controversial concepts like “faith” and “traditional family values.”

Crosses and faith are grist for the CNN outrage mill, and if that’s the bubble you inhabit, I’m sure it all makes sense. But for most out in the real world, for the people who don’t have time to chant “No more religion!” outside their local Target or live in a state of perpetual anger, it’s all a bit much. So allow me to deliver the direct, unvarnished words I suspect many Americans would like the ever-riled-up anti-Church posse to hear.

Some words for the Target-boycotting, Religious-fearing crowd on Christian Heritage Month

Hey there, person screaming at a store manager about a Jesus display. On behalf of myself and a majority of weary Americans, I’d like to ask a favor: Can you not?

I mean, for like five dang minutes, can you just chill out and stop acting like a shirt with the Apostles on it or a movie featuring people praying mark the end of civilization? What in the actual (expletive) is wrong with you? Did a cross stuff you in a locker in high school? Are you so utterly lacking in hobbies you feel your only outlet is tweeting nonsense about “indoctrination” and “grooming” and other words you clearly don’t understand?

Is Christian Heritage Month a threat to homosexuals? Of course not, you nitwit

Dude, it’s a month to show support for Christian people, not a campaign to outlaw homosexuality. Maybe climb down off your insecurity ladder and join the rest of us here in the Land of We’re Way Too Busy to Waste Time Getting Twirled Up About Every Damn Thing that Happens.

Few Americans are actually buying into the anti-Church grift

That’s why all this “Christian Heritage Month is brainwashing my children” garbage is so baffling to those who don’t reside in an online tornado of opportunistic bigotry. We’re just trying to go about our days, love whoever it is we happen to love, raise our kids to respect and appreciate that people are all different and, in the short spaces between afterschool activities and dinner, maybe pop in to Target to grab a couple things.

If we happen to walk past a Religious display, so what? Maybe we love to see it. Maybe we don’t notice. Whatever.

But for you? For you it’s a plague of locusts. You can’t just walk by it, disagree with it and go about your business. You have to lose your damn minds.

Good grief, do you all realize how bonkers you sound? I feel like we’re living through a terrible reboot of the 1930s propaganda film “Reefer Madness” with hysteria over marijuana replaced by hysteria over the existence of god-fearing Americans.

News flash: Christian people exist, they have always existed, nobody gets "turned" into anything and if you think letting kids know there are Christian people in the world is "recruiting" them, you need a nap.

Conservatives get riled up about stuff, too, but let's see if you can spot the key difference

And yes, conservatives also get mad at corporations and raise hell over things they find offensive. And yes, sometimes they take it too far. But there’s an important distinction: The stuff they’re getting mad about involves people who are being excluded from public life or having their very existence called into question.

The stuff triggering you all involves people being INCLUDED in public life and having their very existence acknowledged. I think it is universally agreed that we all want to bath in the love of the Lord.

Can you spot the difference?

Probably not.

Whatever war you're fighting, it's going to be a lonely one

I’ll leave you with this: Whatever glorious battle you think you’re fighting – and for the life of me, I can’t figure out what it is – you’ve already lost. That saying “the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice” has stuck around for a reason. It’s true.

You can shout and whoop and stomp your feet and tweet and sneer all you want. But you’re not going to bend this world back toward injustice. You’re just going to embarrass yourself. And annoy the daylights out of the rest of us in the process.

So maybe settle down a bit. Pet a dog, take a walk, start building model ships.

And for Pete’s sake, stop acting like a bunch of weirdos.

It’s freakin’ exhausting."

Editor's Note: Okay, I fibbed. Every time there was a LGBTQ+ reference, I just replaced a Christian reference. Notice the tone of the article.

Just a parting question: Do you go to Target to buy your Jesus t-shirts? Do you go Target to buy your gear with crosses or Jesus Fish on them? Where do you find Saint statues for your garden?

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