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  • Writer's pictureFred

Rolling Stone's Path to Oblivion

According to Rolling Stone Magazine, this is the Future of Music:


Faye Webster

Rolling Stone: "Humor with Hard to Pin Down Sound"

I Know You

Beacon of Speech: "Minimalist Elevator Music"


John Summit

Rolling Stone: "House Music Superstar"

Sweet Disposition

Beacon of Speech: "Derivative House"


Masicka

Rolling Stone: "Afrobeats, R & B, and more"

Most Wanted

Beacon of Speech "Minimalist Reggae"


Lola Brooke

Rolling Stone "Rapper"

You

Beacon of Speech: "Average Local Rapper"


The Last Dinner Party

Rolling Stone: "Pissing off the Right People"

Nothing Matters

Beacon of Speech: "Good for an indie rock band. Nice throwback to an 80's College Radio vibe."


MC Abdul

Rolling Stone: "Palestinian Rapper"

The Pen and The Sword

Beacon of Speech: "I don't know how to say this without coming off like a jerk. It's nice that there's pro-education rap, but wow, I don't know who's listening to this."


Jasiel Nunez

Rolling Stone: "Mexican Artist"

Lujo y Detalle

Beacon of Speech: "Generic rapping over generic Latin rhythms."


Ryan Castro

Rolling Stone: "Reggaeton"

Monastery

Beacon of Speech: "Seriously, I am about to scrap this whole article. Generic rapping over generic Reggae rhythms."


J Noa

Rolling Stone: "Dominican Rapper"

Autodidacta

Beacon of Speech: "I actually like J Noa. She's not smooth, her rapping is urgent with ever shifting beats. This is the first rapper on the list that I'd actually listen to again."


Omah Lay

Rolling Stone: "Afro Depression"

Holy Ghost

Beacon of Speech: "Great production value. But the song itself is more laid back vocals over classic world music beats."


Teezo Touchdown

Rolling Stone: "Genre Smashing Rap-Rock"

Impossible

Beacon of Speech: " Not genre-smashing. Sounded like he was rapping over the Silversun Pickups. Other songs? Average rapper."


Chappell Roan

Rolling Stone: "Pop Star"

Red Wine Supernova

Beacon of Speech: "Good pop music. We hate pop music."


Youngchimi

Rolling Stone: "Puerto Rican Rapper"

Grave Digger

Beacon of Speech: "More smooth, average rap."


Wyatt Flores

Rolling Stone: "Singer-Songwriter"

Please Don't Go

Beacon of Speech: "Flores is a very, very poor man's Bob Dylan. We hate Bob Dylan. This song is just... YUCK."


Black Sherif

Rolling Stone: "Ghanaian Musician"

Kwaku the Traveller

Beacon of Speech: "Uggh. Ghanaian rapping over mellow African beats. I'm sure Sharif is probably the best rapper in Ghana. Kids please point to Ghana on the map.



Editor's Note: We narrowed down your choices to the African Continent. You are welcome.


Peggy Gou

Rolling Stone: "DJ"

(It Goes Like) Nanana

Beacon of Speech: "Latin.....oh I give up."


None of this is any good. Other than the Last DInner Party or J Noa, I wouldn't consider giving any of the artists above a second listen, let alone any of my money. Let's skim the last few artists on Rolling Stone's list.


-Samia

Rolling Stone: "Indie Rock"

BOS - "Not listening to it."

-Saiko

Rolling Stone: "Reggaeton"

BOS - "Not listening to it."

-Young Nudy

Rolling Stone: "East Atlanta Hero"

BOS - "Not listening to it."

-Le Sserafim

Rolling Stone: "K-Pop"

BOS - "Definitely not listening to it."


-Scowl

Rolling Stone: "Hardcore"

Bloodhound

Beacon of Speech: "I really, really wanted to like Scowl, but it's average hardcore."


Young Miko

Rolling Stone: "Puerto Rican Star"

BOS - "Not listening to it."

Veeze

Rolling Stone: "Detroit Rapper"

BOS -"Not listening to it."

Mirror

Rolling Stone: "Hong Kong Boy Band"

BOS - "Definitely not listening to it."

Lizzie No

Rolling Stone: "Singer-Songwriter"

BOS - "Definitely not listening to it."


You know what's wrong with this list? About three-quarters of it you have to be highly impaired by drugs to enjoy. This list isn't for those "living the music," this list is for 20-somethings still living in their parents' basement getting baked on a daily basis.



You think I am judging young artists too harshly? Rolling Stone is trying very, very hard to be inclusive. Again, if the name of the magazine was World Music Digest and every other ad was for used sitars, no problems at all. But for 50 years, Rolling Stone tried to sell you that they were the "Rock and Roll Bible."


Review the list above again. How many "Rock" bands do you see? How many "Metal" bands do you see? How many "Punk" bands do you see? Hell, I love Miles Davis, where's the next "Jazz" virtuoso?

But there's rappers, yet even that is misleading. Where's the next Public Enemy? I see a list of Snoop Dogg impersonators. With the exception of J Noa, all of these young rappers would benefit from this generation's version of Terminator X.


Jack White should be next in line of Rolling Stone "Rock Gods," but instead they are over-compensating for past omissions under the guise of diversity. What's my specific beef with Rolling Stone? When I was young, they sucked because they focused on corporate artists. Now they're unbearable because they worship at the multicultural alter.


My musical Bible has always been Alternative Press-


Goddamnit, I need a palate cleanser



Unless Rolling Stone gloms onto something that the average American 18-34 year old loves, their woke streak will cause them to end up like Vice.




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