Corporate Scumbag of the Year: Trevor Hughes -or- Define Riots Part II
In the corporate world, making tough decisions is not an uncommon occurrence. The trick to making tough decisions is selling them to the public.
Let's say you're the CEO of a potato chip company. As CEO, you see that you're not hitting the profit margins promises that you've made. Not, you're not making money, you're making money hand over fist, you're not meeting arbitrary monetary goals.
So you fill a room full of lackeys and brainstorm how to increase profit margins:
CEO: Alright guys, in Quarter I, we made certain promises to the shareholders that we didn't achieve. We need some ideas and fast.
Lackey I: How about we keep the same number of chips, but make the bags bigger for the illusion of more chips?
CEO: No we did that already. Our research shows that just pisses off the customer.
Lackey II: How about we just raise the price of chips?
CEO: No, research shows more mad customers.
Lackey III: How about we keep the same potato ratio but use less salt. We'd save money using less salt.
CEO: No, the guy you replaced said that same exact thing and our research showed that customers defected to our competitors.
Lackey IV: How about if we cut 3% of the workforce? My numbers show that will work.
CEO: No, the last round of layoffs generated union talk. Then we'd have to spend the money we saved on union killing measures. The lawyers say that's not a long term win.
Lackey IV: How about less chips, but you put a cheap plastic toy in the bag to appeal to children so the bag weighs the same.
CEO: Go on...
Lackey V: When I was a kid, me and my friends all played with Army Men-
CEO: No. Stop right there. If we did this we'd be accused of recruiting minors to the armed services. Market research shows that's a public relations loss.
Lackey VI: How about we make the bags smaller, give the customer less chips, but keep the same price. What we'll say is that we are "right-sizing" our delicious chips to a "healthy" snack size. We insinuate that we are helping you control you eating habits. The subtext being that we wouldn't be hurting the public, but "helping" fat Americans.
CEO: Hmmm. Right-sizing.
One year ago, people were rioting in Portland, Oregon. The press couldn't "figure out" who was rioting. Beacon of Speech made a police line-up of possible suspects in our article Define Riots:
Black Lives Matter
The Bored and Unemployed
Right Wing Counter-protesters
One year later, there's still riots. There's a new president and Derek Chauvin has been convicted in a court of law of murder. Why are we still rioting, IN A PANDEMIC?
Let's review our culprits, again, shall we?
CEO of the Democratic Party: We are starting to see a negative association between our party and rioting. Any ideas?
Lackey I: Don't cover the riots or say there's no riots?
CEO: No, that doesn't seem to be working anymore.
Lackey II: Say it's Right Wing Protesters?
CEO: No, the public now clearly knows what right-wing riots look like after the Capitol Riots.
Lackey III: Admit that it's Antifa and Black Lives Matter?
CEO: No, our market research shows that admission to those specific groups would reflect poorly on future elections.
Lackey IV: Say that it's the Bored and the Unemployed?
CEO: No, most right-wing websites show that unemployed rioters tend to skew Democrat.
Lackey V: I'm telling you, blame the anarchists. My research shows that most voting Americans don't identify anarchists with either the Democrat or Republican Parties.
Saturday April 24, 2021
CEO: Okay, let's blame the anarchists. Any other helpful suggestions?
Lackey VI: You're looking at the subject all wrong. You embrace the rioters, but you don't call them rioters, you re-brand the term rioter. You say that "police reform groups" have been using "confrontation methods." Then you draw a historical line between Martin Luther King, "long-term reform advocates" like Jesse Jackson, and today's movement. People aren't rioting, they are making "muscular demands," and in the words of the dearly departed John Lewis, reform groups are simply making "good trouble," Use John Lewis' famous quote: "You have to make a little noise. You have to move your feet."
CEO: Hmmm. Re-branding. What's your name young man, you have a good future as a propaganda writer?
Lackey VI: Trevor Hughes and this is my latest work:
Saturday April 24, 2021
Addendum 1 day later:
This sums up my problem with riots in one MEME!
On 4/28/21, I pulled down the article and submitted it to The Federalist.
They passed on the article, so I re-published it on 4/30/21.