Deafness vs. Insanity

For longtime readers, you are already aware that I went almost completely deaf earlier this year and can now only hear thanks to a double cochlear implant.

But it still kind of nags at me why I'm deaf.

Beacon of Speech co-founder Ted and I speak of Rush Limbaugh's hearing loss often. Ted says "technically Rush didn't know why he went deaf, either."

And I always reply, "oh he knew, he sued people so you wouldn't find out."

Now I can't prove it in a court of law, but coincidentally, at the same time Rush lost his hearing, he was severely addicted to OxyContin, One of the well-documented side effects of extreme opioid addiction? Hearing loss. You basically fry the sensitive parts of your ears.

Rush enlisted the ACLU, citing his right to privacy, to keep his medical records sealed. Then how does anyone know about his painkiller addiction? From court records.

Why was Rush so keen on keeping his records sealed? Because on his radio show he said: "Drug Addicts should go to Prison."

Now if I was an alcoholic and needed a new liver, I would say "damn, shouldn't have drank all that JD."

But I am a big nerd, I literally do nothing. No drugs, no alcohol, I barely even drank caffeine until I became lactose intolerant. I never said anything like "I hate deaf people," then Karma bit me in the ass.

According to my second ENT, his best guestimate is that either Covid, or the Covid shot, caused my deafness. Have I had Covid? Yes, a number of bouts: Documented Here. Did I have the Covid shot? Yes, but not the boosters.

So on Monday, when the audiologist and I were doing some baseline testing on any residual hearing that I may have left over, I was sitting in the sound booth, waiting for the test to start, and the room was not quiet at all. The white noise in my head was louder than I remember it being in the past.

After the testing was done, I asked the audiologist this question. "Being deaf is weird. I always thought it would be silence, but when I'm alone in this room, the white noise is loud, I wish I could turn it down. I don't feel deaf at all because there is always some sort of incomprehensible noise."

The audiologist, who is a super-nice lady and always has a smile on her face, replied: "Let me assure you, this booth is stone silent. What is happening, beyond any tinnitus, is your brain is creating the illusion of sound, filling in the blanks in your mind of where the noise should be. It's not an uncommon occurrence."

And I kind of sat there for a minute.

My brain is projecting the appearance of a warped sonic landscape? That is both cool, and kind of scary, both in the same breath.

But where's the line between your brain projecting imaginary sounds and creating voices? What about seeing things that don't exist? Having had anxiety before seemingly everyone had anxiety, how much of my own reality is based on perception versus actual existence?

None of which explains my deafness.

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I tried to explain to my wife what my hearing sounds like now.

If I'm alone in a quiet room with you, looking in your direction, we can have a nice conversation.

If we are in a crowded bar together, all I can hear is a blanket of muted noise. If I'm in a room with only a few people, everything sounds like chipmunks and robots.

Music is mostly ruined.

Except, strangely, for the π Soundtrack. That actually sounds pretty close to what it's supposed to. Kudos to Clint Mansell for capturing the cold electronica of the implant.

Spoilers for the 28 year old movie, the main character is driven mad by his own obsessions and lobotomizes himself.

<sigh>

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