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  • Guest Authors: Garrett, Adam, and Kenny Havoc

Elmo's Christmas Party

We begin at a jagged camera angle of the genuinely quite nice entrance of the park. It gives a sense of warmth, comfort and joy before a story of Vietnam and Sesame Street makes them depressed.

Elmo’s Christmas Party- Two awesome young men go into a forest.

Adam- Wow a forest.

Garret- Yes indeed.

They continue to walk toward the big old thingy that's at that park.

Adam- Ooh dang. That's a thing.

Garret- Uh yes. You’re are correct.

Adam- Pondle.

They enter that big ol’ thingy in the park.

Garret- Oh fuck. What’s that.

Adam- Joe.

Garret- Joe Who?

Adam- Ligma balls!

Garret- You got me. No really what’s that.

Adam- Uh I’m not sure what you’re referring to.

Garret- The thing on the thingy.

Adam- Oh that.

Garret- Yes that.

Adam- It seems to be some type of story moving object or plot point.

Garret- I've heard of these.

A rustling from the bushes.

Adam- Is that a boat!?

Garret- I have a STERN opinion it is

Camera- It can’t be a boat we’re on land.

Garret- Shut the H E Double Hockey sticks up.

God- LMAO thanks fam.

Garret- Hehe, Legend.

Garret examines the object.

Garret- Lake Pigment. Nah for real though dawg let’s watch.

Adam- Bet.

Garret and Adam look over the object. - It’s a videotape!

Random Person walking in the background-(off camera) - Ay would you stop swearing.

Adam- *sneaks off-screen* Sorry sir.

Random Person Walking in the background- Calm down out here. It’s a public place.

Adam- I understand sir. Sorry about that.

Random Person Walking in the background- It’s okay. Just calm down a bit and watch the language.

Adam- Yes sir. Have a good day. *Walks back on-screen* (to camera) w-we can just cut that.

Garret- Back to the matter at hand. Let’s watch the tape.

They play the video using Gare Bears phone. There's static and an old school timer. We see Elmo holding a cigarette. Elmo doesn’t see the camera.

Elmo- *cough* Oh crap, uh, hey guys. Welcome back to Elmo’s World. It’s been a while, but your old pal was drafted to fight the Vietcong. Well luckily for me, I was sent home early due to an injury I sustained as a result of the errant explosions of the guerrillas. Just in time for Christmas! Anyway, it's the 19th of December and I’m hoping for a space-themed gift, cause I just love the Apollo program. Plus, they came home yesterday!

Back to Present-day of Garret and Adam watching the video.

Adam- What the hell is this now! Why are we watching this?

Garret- *shrugs* you got a better idea?

Back to 1972

Elmo- Well I’m gonna have a Christmas Party this year with all my friends. They don’t know I’ve come back yet. Boy, when they see me, they’ll be so surprised!

Back to Present-day. The camera is on the ground.

Garret- Oh Crap!

The camera cuts to an old tv background with technical difficulties.

Garret- Wow, this is gonna be an awesome a Elmo’s Christmas Party.

Adam- Swag

Back to 1972. December 20th.

We see Elmo making instructions and joyfully humming his theme music. Elmo’s house looks a lot different from when we last saw it. Elmo doesn’t realize he is all alone. His friends are all doing their own thing. His family's Visa expired and they were sent back to Guatemala. His goldfish was sold into a Western European slave trade by his pimp Juicy Wade. None of this is going in the final script.

Back to the present

Adam- Well I thought they were a whole group of people, not just one person. Oh uh I mean wow Elmo be balling with his Christmas party.

Garret- *staring intently and slow head turns* wh-wh- I uh. Ugh.

Back to 1972.

Elmo- Elmo will now mail these to all his friends. Elmo is so excited about his Christmas party. I’m gonna start decorating now.

We enter a montage of decorations being put up. After a fruitfully long sequence, Elmo puts on his jacket and goes to the nearest mailbox. Mailboxes aren’t really common so we’ll just make a false one. Anyway, this is just a lot of filler right now. Anyway, we fast forward and some of Elmo’s friends who we don’t have fully yet just received their invitation to the party.

Linat- Did you guys get the invitation to Elmo’s party?

Aleister- Yeah, you?

Idk, CJ, it doesn’t matter yet. CJ is crap though. We’ll call him Eddie.

Eddie- Yeah I did.

Big Carl- Yeah.

Aleister- You going, Eddie?

Eddie- I don’t know, are you guys?

Linat- Depends if you are.

Aleister- Can we all just say it?

Big Carl- Say what, Aleister?

Aleister- You know.

Eddie- Ok, on three. One, two, three.

Just Eddie- HELL NO!

Back to present

God- I heard that!

Garret- It came from the movie.

God-My B fam.

Back to 1972

Linat- Oh thank God. I hoped I wasn’t alone in not going.

Big Carl- Me neither. I mean I love Elmo and all. We’re cool and everything, but I can’t support him right now.

Aleister- It wasn’t his fault he went.

Big Carl- It doesn’t matter. You know him when he is passionate about something he will go to the lengths it takes to make it happen. I don’t particularly remember him too apprehensive about us going there in the first place.

Eddie- He’s got a point, Aleister.

Aleister- I’m just saying he never chose to go there. He was drafted.

Big Carl- So what, are you going.

Aleister- Hell no, I’m protesting.

They all laugh

Linat- Ok, let’s get lunch and discuss possible scapegoats for why we can’t go.

Big Carl- Why give him that, just don’t show up period. It’ll give him the message clearer.

Aleister- You’re ruthless, Carl.

Big Carl- I’m intelligent is the word.

Eddie- Ok when you’re done jerking yourself off over there, come join us, we’re going to Big Bird’s Diner.

Big Carl- Shut up. Sounds good.

They exit.

Back to present

Garret- Is it pronounced Caramel or Carmel?

God- I’ll tell you this, every time you pronounce it Carmel, a puppy dies.

Back to 1972. December 21st.

Elmo is on the phone with Tempesto the magician.

Elmo- Hello

Tempesto- Ho ho, friend. You’ve reached the line of the mystical magician Tempesto. How may I enrich your life today?

Elmo- Elmo would like to request a visit for his party coming upon the 25th.

Tempesto- Look kid do you really think I’m not already booked on Christmas? Well, you’re right I’m not. What hours will I be there?

Elmo- 6-9 pm.

Tempesto- nice. And the address information, of course, may I ask who will be the host.

Elmo- That would be me, Elmo.

Tempesto- Oh. *off the phone* Shit, it's that guy who got back from Nam. I don’t want to host anything for him. *back on phone* So the address as well, please.

Elmo- 98736 Sesame Street. W-we all live on Sesame Street.

Tempesto- Okay well I will let you know if I’m available.

Elmo- I thought you just said you were.

Tempesto- Ulp, getting another call, I look forward to your party Mr. Mo. BYE!

Hangs up.

Elmo- uh, bye? That was weird.

Hangs up.

Elmo- No time for worrying I need to continue decorating.

Elmo continues putting up decorations, ordering food and making calls for more entertainment whom all, to Elmo's chagrin answer the phone the same way. They seem happy then when Elmo says his name they act differently. Elmo convinced himself he was thinking weird, but still.

Back to present.

Adam- Isn’t Tempesto a roller coaster?

Garret- Maybe, maybe.

Adam- What’s next, a horse named Steel Vengeance? Haha.

Garret- Maverick was right there man.

Adam- That would've been too easy, plus Steel Vengeance is better.

Garret- I haven’t ridden it.

Adam- Okay we’re going to Cedar Point now.

Garret- It’s December.

Adam- Oh yeah. Okay, we’ll go as soon as possible.

Garret- It’s gonna be insanely crowded.

Adam- Yeah but I have the Gold Pass so we’ll just ride Steel Vengeance one day then the next ride everything else?

Garret- I don’t know, going all the way out there to ride one ride?

Adam- Okay two things, one it’s only like 40 minutes away. Two, that's the greatest roller coaster in the world.

Garret- Okay, but I don’t just want a ride one ride, plus I don’t wanna wait three hours.

Adam- No listen.

Back to 1972. December 22nd

Eddie- *on phone* Hi mom. Merry Christmas. Are you coming over this year?

Momma Edward- I thought you were seeing your friends that day.

Eddie- Yeah well I don’t really know who is doing what.

Eddie’s Mom- Okay well you know I’ll be up for anything on Christmas. If not, your father and I understand wanting to spend time with your friends. You’re present is in the post as well. You just let me know what’s going on.

Eddie- Okay, thank you. Will do.

Eddie’s Mom- Alright, bye Eddie. Love you.

Eddie- Bye mom. *hangs up*

Eddie- Crap.

Back to present. Sat in utter silence for like 10 seconds.

Adam- Oh wait.

Back to 1972. Inside a new house.

Scutaro- What is this? *holding invitation*

Sasha- What?

Scutaro- You know what.

Sasha- Look you don’t have to go, but I might want to.

Scutaro- No you don’t. You don’t even like him.

Sasha- Since when.

Scutaro- Since always.

Sasha- I don’t much appreciate you assuming my interests.

Scutaro- Fine go to his party, you’ll be going alone though.

Sasha- Don’t be like this Scutaro. I might want to go. So should you.

Scutaro- I can’t stop you from going, but can’t force me to go.

Sasha- Fine. I didn’t say I was going, I said I might want to go.

December 23rd, 1972.

Elmo- Huh. Wait, where’s my goldfish? Where’s Dorothy?

Elmo rushes to the bowl only to find it empty with nothing but water. Elmo began to realize that not only was his goldfish gone, so was his family. He finds a note in the living room telling him they had been deported to Guatemala and they took Dorothy. The sadness of his family being gone, potentially in danger, is enough to squeeze table legs so hard his hands bleed and he gets splinters.

Elmo- *whispering to himself* The party. The party.

He clutches his mom’s favorite dress in his hand.

Elmo- *crying for only a second* The party *he stops himself from crying* *squeezing the dress so hard it tears* The party.

Back to the present.

Camera- *crying*

Garret- Stop crying, it’s our scene now!

Camera- *stops crying*

Adam- Dang poor Mo. He just wants a party with all his friends, but none will show up.

Garret- Yeah. Dummy thicc though.

Adam- *nodding in approval*

Back to 1972. December 24th.

A montage. Elmo very still finishes up the house. It should waste a few minutes to get the run time up.

Back to present.

Adam- *burp* Think we’ll get ad revenue on this?

Back to 1972.

Elmo sat alone on his chair with a picture of his family in his hand. He holds it close and hugs it. A tear drips down. He mouths “the party.” The house looks gorgeous and vibrant, whereas Elmo is sat in the center, empty. Much like how soldiers went off to war with a promise of respect and prosper brought to America only to find no happiness and no respect, only pain and emptiness.

Elmo- *slowly singing sadly* La la la la, la la la la. Elmo 's World.

Back to present.

Garret- I like how you’re editing it so I can be like-

Adam- NO NO NO NO!

Back to 1972.

At a fancy restaurant.

Aleister- How have you been feeling.

Julianna- Still not great. My stomach is in shambles and I can’t work for more than three hours at a time.

Aleister- Hey, last week it was only two hours.

Julianna- I guess. But the restaurant isn’t particularly happy with that just yet.

Aleister- Eh baby steps.

Aleister and his girlfriend Julianna are out to dinner. Alester booked this reservation exactly one day after Christmas the year previous.

Aleister- *coughs* Could you use a refill?

*waves over waiter*

Julianna- *laughs in her hand* Aren’t you a gentleman. *holds out glass*

The waiter walks away and we see Aleister slip him a paper under the table. The waiter nonchalantly takes the paper and walks to the back.

Julianna- Well thank you for taking me out tonight, I could use it after what I’ve been feeling.

Aleister- Of course. Anything for you.

When the previous song concludes and the new one starts, Aleister knows it’s time. The waiter gave the note to the back and they put the song on. The beginning notes No Imitations by Plain White Tees shatter any words Julianna heard. They were playing their song.

Julianna- Oh My God, E. They’re playing our song.

Aleister- Alright good. Guess I have to do this now.

Aleister stands up.

Julianna- E. What are you doing? E?

Aleister- Julie, you should’ve known this was coming.

The restaurant begins to turn their heads. Julianna puts her hands over her mouth.

Julianna- E. Don’t do this now.

Aleister drops down to one knee.

Aleister- *with the music* “Now that I’ve found you. I won’t accept. No Imitations. Julianna Nicole Garcias, will you marry me?

Julianna- *drops to the floor on her knees crying* E, I need to tell you.

Aleister- Yeah?

Julianna- *puts a hand on his cheek* I want to meet you, eye level. *smiles* Yes Aleister. Yes, I will marry you.

Tears stream down them both. As they embrace. The whole restaurant erupts in applause. The chorus of No Imitations plays as they hold each other and they transition back to Aleister’s house.

Aleister- So, if you don’t mind me asking. What has been going down with your stomach anyway?

Julianna- What do you think, E?

It hits him.

Aleister- Baby!

Old Narrator- They embrace once more. Both smiling, laughing and crying. It didn’t matter what present he would get tomorrow he just got the best present he could’ve asked for. How cute. Such a happy day for this soon to be family. Boy, I sure hope that nothing bad happens to them.

Back to present.

Adam- Wait how did they know that song? It came out in like 2018. Isn’t this supposed to be 1972? Who wrote this crap!?

God- I messed with the timeline dawg. I know you love that song.

Garret- Thanks, bro.

God- Lmao, no problem fam.

Back to 1972.

Linat- I should go.

Big Carl- What did you just say.

Linat- Look he is my friend.

Big Carl- No he ain’t. Linat, he ain’t your friend. He only hung with you because of Danny.

*Linat slaps Big Carl* Eddie restrains Linat.

Linat- You don’t get to speak about him!

Big Carl wipes a bit of snot from his face

Big Carl- I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Linat. That was a mistake.

Linat-*shakes off Eddie* If it was a mistake, why were you so ready to say it.

Eddie- Not now guys.

Linat- *tearing up* You don’t choose when I end it!

Big Carl- *hands up* Linat, I’m sorry.

Linat- *calming down* Okay. It’s okay. *sits down with watery eyes* *sniffs and chuckles a bit* Danny and Elmo were great friends. *Linat attempts to compose himself*

Eddie- Linat, if you wanna go, I will too.

Linat- *sniffs* For Danny?

Eddie- For Danny. How about you Big C?

Big Carl- Uh-huh, Eddie can I talk to you. In private.

Eddie- Uh okay.

Eddie and Big Carl leave Linat alone.

Big Carl- You can’t go.

Eddie- You saw him. He’s not over losing Danny. I think he should. And he’s my best friend. I won’t let him go alone.

Big Carl- What best friend wouldn’t tell him the truth?

Eddie ponders for a second.

Eddie- Okay but that doesn’t mean I can’t go-

Big Carl grabs Eddie and lifts him by the neck.

Big Carl- Here’s what’s gonna happen, Ed. Either you tell Linat you aren’t going and he shouldn’t either or I tell Linat the truth and let that stay with him. Your choice.

He releases Eddie. Eddie grips his throat for breath. Big Carl waits.

Eddie- *nods* Ok. Ok, Carl. I won’t go. He won’t either.

They leave.

Eddie- Linat we need to talk.

Back to present.

Garret and Adam looking at each other.

Adam- *aside to Garret* Are-are we on? *back to camera* Okay, uh wow. What a movie Garret.

Garret- I agree. This has been good. You’re really good at writing dialogue for stuffed animals.

Adam- Thanks, bro. Let’s continue.

Back to 1972. December 25th. Christmas.

Elmo stands on a ladder in a dimly lit room hanging lights from the ceiling. He mumbles something under his breath barely audible. A clock sits on a table, it is 3:45. 2 hours from the party. He looks hopelessly at the phone mounted on the wall. Hoping for any response. It has remained stationary since his call with Tempesto. Suddenly the phone rings. Elmo nearly falls off the ladder while excitedly going for the phone. He picks it up and hears an unrecognizable voice.

Ernesto- Is this Elmo?

Elmo- Yes it is, Who is this?

Ernesto- Not important. What is important is that I’ve got your precious parents. We would have your fish, but she was good with some lemon on the grill.

Elmo- *shook* What do you want?

Ernesto- 100,000 sesames by New Years Eve

Elmo is confused and scared.

Elmo- *gulp* A-and if I don’t?

Ernesto- Why don’t you have mommy tell you.

Elmom- Honey, please help. I haven’t seen your dad in 5 days. They’ve drugged us. They will kill us if they don’t get those sesames.

They hang up. The camera shows Elmom happily laying with Ernesto, she is in no danger. Drew (Elmo’s dad) is nowhere near.

Although muffled screams are heard inside Elmo’s house. Elmo drops the phone and approaches the cellar door. He hasn’t gone down there since he’s been back, he’s been scared of the cellar ever since he was 8. He decided to leave it alone and chalked it up to strange machines humming.

Back to present.

God- Hey Garret, you free next week? I’m gonna go fight Zeus.

Garret- Dude I’ll get the popcorn.

Adam- Who are you talking to you?

Garret- Shut up.

Adam- You shut up.

Garret- No you!

Adam- Kiss me! What?

Garret- Uno Reverse card.

Adam- *does his sexy face*

Back to 1972. December 25th 4:45 one hour until the party

Elmo is in the kitchen mixing cookie batter.

Elmo- *Agitated and humming his theme*

Back to present.

Garret- How many men have you personally killed?

Camera- About 3.

Garret and Adam share a look.

Both- *slightly off-camera* We need a new cameraman!

Back to 1972.

It is now 5:30, 15 minutes from the expected guest’s arrival, or so Elmo thought. The cookies are currently in the oven. He sits on the couch listening to a scratched record of The Christmas Song by Bing Crosby.

At Scutaro’s house.

Scutaro- Okay 15 minutes. Are you going?

Sasha- *disgusted* You know the answer.

Scutaro- Okay then go. Watch me stop you.

Sasha- You will! You have always stopped me.

Scutaro- Mom left that right to me.

Sasha- Mom is dead, when will you understand, it’s been 2 years today. Scutaro, she loved you but she would never want you to act like a parent to me. She wanted us to be brother and sister, partners. Against the world. Why can’t you understand?

Scutaro- *sat in silence with some anger* Fine! Then go. I can’t stop your poor behavior. But remember we have to visit mom tonight.

Sasha- When?

Scutaro- *stands over her* when I say.

Sasha- *scared for a second* Huh?

Scutaro- *lifts her head* when I say.

Sasha- *wipes a tear* Buh-but. The party?

Scutaro- Are you saying a party is more important than mom?

Sasha- No Scutaro.

Scutaro- Good.

Back to present.

Adam- Favorite Rihanna song?

Garret- I’m a big Disturbia fan myself. You?

Adam- S & M can’t be beaten in my opinion.

Back to 1972. Party has started.

Elmo- Okay well, no one's gonna show immediately after the party starts.

Back to present.

*Tobin walks by*

Adam- Hey Tobin.

Tobin- Hey Adam.

Back to 1972. 6 o clock. No one is here.

Elmo- This is fine.

Back to present

Adam- Wait how does Elmo not know that they won’t show up?

Camera- He hasn’t seen what people have been saying dumbass.

Garret- Know what. *lunges at camera and it falls*

Back to 1972. 6:30.

Elmo rings up Linat. No answer. He rings up Scutaro. No answer. He rings up Eddie. No answer.

Elmo- They m-must be on their way so they can’t answer right now.

He tries to assure himself.

Back to present.

Garret and Adam have been replaced with two random people. They are sat in silence for a bit.

Back to 1972. 7. No one to be found. Elmo sat by his Christmas tree eating a cookie.

Elmo- Boy I sure hope Cookie Monster doesn't show up to steal these hehe. *He then shoves another cookie in his mouth while crying*

Back to present.

Garret and Adam stamping on the two random people for about 5 seconds.

Back to 1972. 9 o clock. No one has shown.

Elmo- All I wanted was to have a party for all my friends. And no one even came. *He begins to cry* What did I do to them.

He notices the wall. Pictures he has hung over the years. The main three he sees are of his family, his friends, and his army quadrant. He takes the pictures of his friends off the wall and while crying slowly snaps it in his hands. He then looks at the army photo. He is about to take it off the wall but stops at the last second. He then turns and slams his fist through the picture of his family. Glass shatters and his fist gets slightly bloodied. The anger from war and the things he learned are all coming back. It’s pretty on the nose. He hears the moaning again. Elmo gets scared for a second, then notices the army photo again and he begins to travel toward the door. He slowly but surely makes his way to the door. The moans have stopped. It is now time to move. He breaks down the door. He looks around. Nothing. Then he looks down and sees tied up on the floor, his now-deceased dad. He died only minutes ago. Elmo could’ve saved him. Seeing this makes Elmo snap. He grabs his dad and unties him. He stares at him. Staring at him in a way he never has before. He then throws him on the floor and starts stepping on his dad’s corpse. Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. His father’s corpse is spraying blood with every forceful step. He then stomps the head until mush. There is no trace of remorse in Elmo’s soul. He begins to start ripping things down. Elmo left the cookies in the oven this whole time to keep them and a fire begins to start in the house. The combination of Elmo ripping down decoration and everything not tied down as well as the fire is completely destroying the house. After a bit, Elmo notices the fire and is seemingly okay with it. Until he realizes what he must get. He rushes up the stairs to grab his mom’s dress. He finds it and holds it close. He begins to stroke it only to notices the tear he accidentally caused. He puts his finger through it with tears in his eyes. He then sticks his other finger through it. With an angered look he rips the dress. He begins trying to tear it to shreds. He grabs a handgun from his mom’s drawer. The house slowly goes down as Elmo escapes. He looks at the fire of his house with a blank expression. The only thing he has is a jacket and a picture of his army friends. He shoves the picture back in his pocket.

Elmo- Time for a Christmas massacre.

Back to present.

Adam and Garret holding each other fake crying, but it’s treated as real crying.

Adam- *wiping tears* So sad. Poor Elmo.

Garret- He just stepped on his dead dad’s corpse.

Adam- Yeah, but no one came to his party.

Back to 1972.

Elmo is walking down the street and he sees Sasha and Scutaro in the cemetery. He starts with a lumbering unhindered walk.

Sasha- Are you happy now? I missed my chance to tell him.

Scutaro- Don’t raise your voice around mom.

They then notice Elmo.

Sasha- Oh Merry Christmas Elmo. I’m sorry I couldn't make your party

Scutaro is not so welcoming

Scutaro- You shouldn’t be here. This is our night to remember our mom.

Elmo doesn’t respond. He just stares blankly with intent.

Scutaro- Have you gone deaf? I said get out of here.

Scutaro pushes Elmo. He retaliates by pulling the gun from his coat and unloading the clip in Scutaro. Sasha screams as the hammer keeps hitting back and forth. Her scream is broken with the click of an empty gun. Elmo snaps his gaze to Sasha.

Sasha- Please Elmo, we’re friends.

Wack! Elmo hits the grip across her face

Elmo- You were here all day were you?

Sasha- *with her face cut and tears streaming down* Yes. *she nods*

Elmo- That's your excuse?

He then kicks her in the face. He has his foot placed on her head.

Sasha-Elmo you have to believe me. Scutaro made me come here. Haven't you realized how distant I've been since my mom died? It's because he has tried controlling me. You have to believe me.

Elmo ponders for a second. She is in tears under his foot. He lifted his leg up.

Elmo- Why did he keep you from me?

Sasha- *sighs* He knew I kinda had a little crush on you.

Elmo is stunned. He extends his hand to help her up. Then gives her a hug. The camera zooms in on the army picture he is holding tight. He releases his grasp on her and she is stood up straight. Sasha doesn't know what to say.

Elmo- I like you too.

Sasha gives a slight grin. Elmo then looks down and shoos her off. She slowly walks back before turning around and walking away. Elmo looks up.

Elmo- Not enough though.

He runs towards her and pushes her into her mother's grave stone. He grabs part of the newly fractured marble and bashes her head in. The snow around her head is flooded with blood. Elmo lets out a guttural scream while losing control. He sees his reflection in a pool of blood. He does not recognize the monster before him.

Back to present.

Adam- What. The. Fu-

Back to 1972.

Eddie- Goddamnit. No answer.

Eddie has been trying to call Sasha for about three minutes.

Eddie- Maybe Linat knows where he is.

Aleister and Julianna's house.

Aleister lights a candle.

Julianna- So what's the movie tonight?

Aleister- It's called "Santa with Muscles"

Back to present.

Adam- Ha! Yes, what a good movie.

Back to 1972.

Julianna- Is it any good?

Aleister- No, but it's funny how bad it is.

Back to present.

Adam- Ugh.

Back to 1972.

Julianna- Ah, my favorite.

Aleister- Mine too. *smile*

We see Elmo do something Garret can make spooky. Elmo is walking on a snowy road. Carolers are walking and see Elmo. They start singing We Wish You A Merry Christmas. He pulls out his gun and shoots all of them in the head except one. She starts running. She slips on the ice and hits her knee on the ground. She gets back up and limps away. Elmo chases after her. He pulls out a knife and stabs her in the chest from behind. He slices her stomach open and guts her. He then walks away while she slowly dies. Elmo walks along after what he has done.

Eddie bangs on Linat's door.

Linat- Hello.

Eddie- Linat open up. We have a problem.

Linat- Huuh ok. Gimme a sec.

Linat opens the door.

Linat- Ok. What is it?

Eddie- I haven't heard from Sasha in a few hours. You know how she is with responding.

Linat- Eddie, listen. You're my friend but it's 1 a.m. the day after Christmas. I'm sure Sasha is asleep so don't worry.

Eddie- Ok but hear me out. Y'know how they go to the cemetery every year for Christmas.

Linat- Yeah, they're seeing their mom. That's what they do on Christmas.

Eddie- They aren't there. And they aren't at home. But, I heard some screaming from the cemetery. And when I was there I felt something. Something liquid.

Linat- What are you saying?

Eddie- I'm saying maybe someone attacked someone at the cemetery.

Linat- Okay? And.

Eddie- What if it was Scutaro. You know how protective he is of her. Maybe he made her go out there and he attacked her, maybe even killed her.

Linat- Woah, Eddie that's a huge leap. Yeah he's protective of her but he wouldn't kill her. Look I'm sure it's okay. We'll figure it out in the morning.

Eddie- I don't know, it all just adds up to me.

Linat- Huh. If I help you out, will you leave me alone?

Eddie- Yes.

Linat- Ok, let me get my coat.

Eddie's Mom just arrived. Her plane landed 25 minutes ago and she just got into the lobby and is walking around. Elmo is stood wearing his jacket and a pair of aviators. He is holding a sign that says "Mrs. Eddie."

Eddie's Mom- Oh you must be Steve. I assume you're a friend of my son's.

Elmo nods.

Eddie's Mom- Alright well I have everything let's go.

As they walk away we see a dead body that's been stripped of a jacket. There are bloody hand prints on the trunk of the car. As Elmo leads her to the car he opens the door for her.

Eddie's Mom- Oh a gentleman I see.

Elmo slams the door and locks it from the outside. He breaks the key off in the car. He goes to the front seat and unlocks the door. Then rolls down the window. He messed with the keys a bit in the gas while moving a brick onto the brake. He then steps out of the car and locks the door from the outside.

Eddie's Mom- Uh, Steve?

Elmo holds up a sign that says "Say hi to your son" before pulling a string which moves the brick to the gas. The car zooms away and crashes shortly after, killing her in the process. Elmo holds the picture in his hand.

Back to Present.

Adam- *on his phone taking pictures or so it seems*

Garret- My God. Elmo has killed 4 people. Is anyone safe? Am I safe? Tune in after this.

Camera- There's no commercials here.

Garret- What about an ad break.

Camera- This channel has 915 subs. You guys aren't getting ads.

Garret- Oh. But I want a break.

God- Don't sweat. I gotchu dawg.

We see a four second clip of black screen.

Garret- What was that?

God- Don't look at me fam. I also wanted to ride Steel Vengeance.

Garret- Uh. What are you doing?

Adam- Checking my stocks.

Garret- You have stocks?

Adam- Yeah, I invested in the rock industry.

Garret- What is that?

Adam- Look I'm the cute one here. So I shouldn't be smart.

Garret ponders and is thinking like, eh, yeah fair.

Back to 1972.

Linat and Eddie bang on a door.

Linat- He won't answer.

Eddie- He's awake.

Big Carl opens the door with a cigarette in one hand and a woman in the other.

Big Carl- Gentleman.

Eddie- Carl, we have an issue.

Big Carl- I also have an issue, as you can see I am *ahem* entertaining this fine female guest.

Eddie- It's Sasha.

Big Carl- No her name is- *he takes a bit to think* Jessica.

Eddie- No there's a problem with Sasha

Carl stops.

Da Hooker who is named Jessica- Baby can we go back inside. It's cold.

Carl throws her to the ground.

Big Carl- Come in.

They all walk inside.

We see an alarm clock. 1:46. Tempesto is asleep in his bed. A single window is letting light pour into the room. A dark shadowy figure moves in front of the window and shut the curtains. We see a hand grasp the clock and remove it. He hums the opening of Bray Wyatt's theme. We hear the iconic "He won't see the sun again" and Tempesto awakes. Elmo lunges at Tempesto with a Mandible Claw. He is also wearing a makeshift Fiend mask. He grabs Tempesto and throws him into the wall. It breaks down and Tempesto lands in the bathroom. He grabs for the door but Elmo grabs the back of his shirt and throws him into the shower. The shower curtains fall on Tempesto. Elmo wraps the curtains around his head and suffocates Tempesto. He stops struggling.

Back to present.

Garret and Adam wearing fedoras. They sing Bray Wyatt's theme.

Back to 1972.

Big Carl lights his cigarette.

Big Carl- So, what happened to Sasha.

Eddie- She isn't home or at the cemetery. And when I went there was a soupy sludge. It felt like blood. I think Scutaro attacked her.

Big Carl- I knew that cheeky bastard would do something like that.

Linat- Now, now hold on. We don't know if he did it. Or if she's even gone at all.

Eddie- Who else could it be.

Linat- Well. I hate to say it. Did she go to Elmo's party?

Big Carl smiles at Eddie.

Big Carl- I'm not sure. I doubt it considering her brother.

Eddie- That's why I think he did it.

Big Carl sits for a second

Big Carl- If this is true, what should we do?

Eddie- I don't know? I knew I should've gone to the party. I love his Carmel squares.

Back to present

Woman in background- *boom* MY DOG!

Back to 1972.

Linat- Well sounds like you guys are in control of this.

He attempts to leave.

Big Carl-You stay.

He says cheerful yet menacing.

Eddie- Uh, C-Carl.

Big Carl- You too, Edward.


Ernesto- Guards. Lemme hear it again.

Ooh Ernesto plays.

Ernesto- HA! Never gets old.

Elmom- You tell them babe.

Ernesto- Guards leave. I'm gonna make love to this woman now.

Elmom- Oh hold on. Let me put on some sexy music.

Smell Yo Dick begins playing as they begin to make love.

Eddie- Carl, what are you doing?

Big Carl- *smokes* Nothing. The police can't know though.

He shoots two guards inside his house.

Linat- Jesus Christ Carl!

Back to present.

God- You rang?

Garret- No, Jesus.

God- Oh he's at Bible camp this week.

Garret- Wait, Jesus has to go to Bible camp.

God- Everyone has to go to Bible camp.

Garret and Adam wink and give a thumbs up to the camera.

Back to 1972.

Big Carl- It would seem as though we have a fiend on the loose. And I'm not letting anyone leave until he is captured.

Eddie- Big Carl?

Big Carl- *laughs* It's not me man! But I don't know who it is. So I say it would be best if you stay here until this blows over.

Linat- Or what?

Big Carl- *holds gun to Linat* Or else.

Aleister and Julianna are asleep. Holding each other in their arms. Elmo arises. He sneaks over to Aleister and pours something into a rag. He covers his mouth with it. Julianna wakes up and Elmo clocks her in the face. They both wake up shortly after tied to some chairs in the living room.

Elmo- Wake up.

Aleister- Uh Elmo, buddy, what's going on.

Elmo strikes him.

Elmo- Quiet or the whore gets it!

Julianna- Elmo what are you doing!

Elmo pulls out a pocket knife.

Elmo- I wouldn't speak if I were you. At any moment I could relive that tummy ache.

Julianna looks down.

Aleister- Elmo please. I'm gonna be a husband. I'm gonna be a father. I want to be what I never got as a kid. Please Elmo. Please.

Elmo- Y-you also had troubles growing up?

Aleister- Yes. But now we have my kid. Julianna and I can treat him the way you and I never had. And if you release us, you'll also see my kid grow up. I wanna grow old with my family. Can you understand that?

He is crying.

Elmo walks over to Aleister and hugs him. He then walks over to Julianna and hugs her.

Julianna- It's gonna be okay Elmo.

Elmo- I know.

Julianna lets out a small yelp and Elmo walks back. He placed his knife into her chest.

Julianna cries harder.

Aleister- Elmo. What have you done!?

Elmo says nothing. He walks toward the kitchen and grabs a bottle of Scotch and makes himself a glass.

Elmo- You know, there's a special place in hell for those who waste good Scotch.

Elmo downs it in one gulp. He then lights a match.

Elmo- God's speed, Aleister.

He flicks a match toward them. Then walks out.

Aleister- Elmo. He he, not funny anymore Elmo. Elmo. Elmo! ELMO!

The screams define and become more blood curdling. Julianna is crying and screaming.


Julianna- *cries* My baby!

No Imitations chorus blaring in the background. Elmo walks off as the house burns to the ground. Oddly satisfying to him. Elmo walks away but the screams don't let up. Next victim on his mind. Picture in his grasp.

Back to present.

Garret- Oh my God.

Adam spins around.

Adam- Do it again. I wasn't looking.

Back to 1972.

*Sirens blaring* Eddie stares out the window.

Eddie- Fire department. What could that be about?

Linat- I don't know. Maybe they found her.

Eddie- Or worse.

Linat- Stop it.

Big Carl walks toward another window. He sees the fire.

Big Carl- I think I know what they want.

Everyone crowds.

Eddie- Wait. Isn't that E's house?

Linat- Oh God. I hope him and Julie aren't there or got out.

Elmo- They didn't.

Everyone turns to see Elmo standing in front of them by the door.

Back to present.

Adam does a poorly done back flip.

Adam- I'm getting better.

Garret- Sure.

Back to 1972.

Ernesto and Elmom are sat together.

Ernesto- ELMOM! I have a great idea.

Elmom- What is it?

Ernesto- Well we just made love yes?

Elmom- Yes.

Ernesto- What if we make love again!

They cheer, then make love while Fire Burning plays.

Back to present.

Fire Burning is still playing and they're dancing.

Bit of a pause for a minute.

Back to 1972.

A montage showing the dishevelled town before them. All leading to inside Big Carl's house.

Big Carl- Hey hey Elmo! Sorry we couldn't make it to the party tonight.

He is holding the gun. Elmo doesn't notice.

Big Carl- Well it's great to see you now.

He slowly turns the gun toward Elmo hidden behind the couch Carl is sat on.

Big Carl- Well it may be late. But let me wish you a Merry Christmas.

It's already loaded and ready to go. All he has to do is pull the trigger at this point. Now Elmo noticed.

Big Carl- How about I give you your present now as well.

Elmo- Put the gun down Carl.

His face goes pale. He puts his hands up in the air.

Eddie- Elmo. Where is Sasha?

Elmo gives him a death stare. He then licks his fingers. Eddie is horrified.

Linat- Elmo? Has this all been you?

Elmo- All of you shut up right now. I have a lot to say and not a lot of time to do it. At any moment there will be a call for one of you.

Everyone is confused. Then Eddie realizes.

Eddie- Oh God. My mom was supposed to call me when her plane landed. I wasn't home. I never heard it.

Back to present.

Both Adam and Garret on their phones.

Adam- Haha you don't have phones in your pockets yet.

Back to 1972.

Eddie- Can I please call my mom. Make sure she got in town okay?

Elmo motions to the phone. Eddie sprints over to the phone and types in his mom's number.

Eddie- Mom?

Eddie's Mom- Honey. Where were you?

Eddie- Mom I sent Steve. He was supposed to pick you up.

Eddie's Mom- No one came Eddie I sat for hours. All alone. I guess you don't love me anymore. You never said it to me.

Eddie- Mom wait. I'm sorry can I still pick you up.

Eddie's Mom- No. I would rather sit here then have my worthless son who doesn't love me come get me. Goodbye.

Eddie- Mom no. No. NO!

The phone line ends. Eddie begins crying.

Linat- Eddie, that wasn't real.

Eddie- I did forget. And I never told her that I. I. You know.

Linat- Eddie he's messing with you. Getting inside your head.

Eddie stares down Elmo who hasn't moved.

Eddie- Where's my mom?

Elmo- Why don't I take you to her. *he smiles*

Eddie- I ain't going alone you son of a bitch.

Eddie charges at Elmo and then BANG. Eddie falls to the ground. He's not dead but he's heavily wounded. Big Carl's gun is smoking slightly.

Big Carl- I thought he'd never shut up.

Back to present.

Garret and Adam- What can I say except you're welcome. For the.

Adam- Oh hold on. Wow now Eddie's dead. Man that's like 2 dead people now.

Garret- No that's like 14.

Adam- Eh, close enough.

Camera- Are you guys even watching it.

Adam- I wrote the damn thing.

Garret- Me too.

God- Me three.

Garret- What did you do?

God- I invented time.

Garret- Eh fair.

Back to 1972. 3:00 a.m. Cleveland time. 2:00 a.m. Guatemala time.

Ernesto- Ever made love at 2 a.m.?

Elmom- No. *using her best sexy voice*

Big Carl's house.

Linat crowds over Eddie. He's not dead but he's been severely hurt.

Linat- Carl! What'd you do that for!

Big Carl- Thank me later.

Linat- Big Carl, maybe you're too dumb to understand, but there were three of us! And one of him.

Big Carl- Trust me he would've killed him there. Only he would've made it more painful. I gave him a quick death. I'm a hero.

Linat- You're no hero. You're a monster.

Big Carl- Oh that's a good nickname. The Monster Big Carl. Has a nice ring don't you think.

Big Carl notices Eddie moving on the floor. He looks away quickly.

Linat- What are you trying to do here?

Big Carl- *takes a drink* Be a hero.

Big Carl lunges at Linat and pins him to the ground. He turns to Elmo.

Big Carl- Hey Elmo, thanks for the invite. It's nice knowing I was invited to the party not because of my dead brother.


Linat dives at Big Carl. Big Carl overpowers him because he's bigger. And Carler.

Big Carl- You idiot. Eddie! Tell him about Danny.

Linat- Shut up fat ass!


Eddie- Danny wasn't hit by a train!

Linat stops.

Linat- W-What?

Eddie- Linat I was backing coming home from school and Danny was in the street. And I just wanted to drive for the first time. E told me I should try and it just... happened.

Linat marches toward Eddie.

Linat- You killed my brother?

Eddie- Yes. I'm sorry. I-I don't know what I was thinking. I promise.

Linat begins to choke Eddie. His eyes grow madder. Elmo remains standing motionless. He doesn't need to lift a finger. Linat eventually kills Eddie.

Big Carl- Wow. Linat let me ask you something? How's it feel knowing you only got invited because of Danny.

Linat attempts to attack Big Carl, but he has a gun already pointed on Linat. Linat doesn't care; he dives at Big Carl and steals his gun.

Linat- Where do you want it? Head or chest?

Big Carl- Chest.

Linat- Head it is.

Big Carl- It's not my fault that Danny's gone. And this won't bring him back. BANG

Big Carl flops to the floor dead. Linat breathes heavily and turns to Elmo.

Linat- Well Elmo, it would seem as though we aren't so different after all. We both had family members taken from us from someone we trusted. We both killed after that. I'm the last person you expected to see here. But here we are. Let me strike a deal with you. We leave this place. We go separate directions. No one gets hurt. What do you say?

Elmo ponders before grabbing a drink.

Elmo- Y'know for all Big Carl's faults, he was right about one thing.

He trails off. Linat is confused.

Elmo- I only liked you for your brother. BANG.

Linat crashes to the floor.

Elmo- Say hi to Danny for me.

Elmo leaves as Linat convulses on the floor and eventually dies. Everyone he needs revenge on is dead. Almost.

Back to present.

Garret- *in a Shaquille O'Neal voice* Hey Adam. I'm Shaquille O'Neal.

Adam- *same voice* I am also Shaquille O'Neal.

Garret- You got any Parmesan?

Ad lib the rest of this because it'll be funnier if it's natural.

Back to 1972.

Elmo hums his theme as he walks around town. He leaves Big Carl's apartment. He walks past Aleister's house's ashes. He walks farther. He sees Linat and Eddie's apartments. He walks past the cemetery. Tempesto's apartment. Scutaro and Sasha's house. The airport. Finally arriving at where his house used to stand. He walks away. Gripping the photo.

Back to present.

Adam- Oh we forgot Diamonds.

Garret points and nods.

Back to 1972. 7:00 a.m. Guatemala time.

A guard barges into Ernesto's room. Guard- Sir! You need to get out of here.

Ernesto- *annoyed* get out of here. I'm with Elmom.

The ground begins to shake. Ernesto puts on a robe and runs outside. He looks up to see loads of missiles coming towards him. It zooms into his face.

Ernesto- Oh.

The missiles hit and kill everything. Guatemala gets removed. The whole country is gone.

Back to present.

Garret- What does pondle even mean?

Adam- I read fondle wrong one time.

Garret- Oh okay.

Back to 1972. A time stamp says 10 years later. So I guess 1982

A newscaster is talking.

Him- That's right everyone. 10 years ago today we said goodbye to the country of Guatemala.

Elmo walks past playing as he walks. Everyone sees him walk by. He's in a new town no one knows of his crimes. He smiles thinking of what he can do here. But where is he? He just arrived at Chicago airlines airport.

The End.

Back to present.

Garret- This isn't one of those ending's where like Elmo isn't dead yet or he's one of us or something.

Adam- No that sounds too hard.

Garret grabs his phone from the mantle or wherever.

Garret- What'd you think.

Adam- Music choice was stupid. Otherwise pretty good. Let's go.

Garret and Adam walk away.

God- Wait up guys!

The screen goes black and we get credits. There is a post credit scene. It shows the pavilion (I REMEMBERED THE NAME) and in a split second we see static. In the background of Elmo walking we see something green. Then it cuts out. Back to the present shows Kermit the frog falling and landing on the table. Back to black. More credits.

Editor's Note: At first we were confused, then we realized that Kenny Havoc may be a genius.

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