Old Fred did a very long and thorough review of Star Wars VIII.
I purposely avoided Star Wars Wars IX because it was symbolic of the end of youth. I finally watched it today on DIsney+ and.....
You know what? I am 51, I am out of Disney's target demographic. I am going to let Young Fred review the movie: So here's what we did. We took 11 year old Fred, who just finished watching the Empire Strikes Back in 1980, shoved him in a time machine and made him watch The Rise of the Skywalker.
Young Fred: I am so confused. What happened to Luke?
Old Fred: He died in Star Wars VIII.
Young Fred: In a great battle?
Old Fred: No, he used his powers as a diversionary tactic. Then he turned into a Force Ghost.
Young Fred: Because he too became a general?
Old Fred: No, he kind of hid on a water planet like Waterworld.
Young Fred: Waterworld?
Old Fred: Nevermind. Any more questions.
Young Fred: What happened to Han Solo?
Old Fred: Solo and Leia had a kid and went their separate ways. That kid was Kylo Ren. Kylo Ren then killed Han Solo.
Young Fred: In a great battle?
Old Fred: No, not really.
Young Fred: And Carrie Fisher's acting wasn't very good. She used to sparkle on the screen.
Old Fred: That's easy to explain. In real life, Carrie Fisher died and they used CGI for her scenes.
Young Fred: So Star Wars IX was a climactic battle between... uh,...Emperor Palpatine, his granddaughter, and Kylo Ren?
Old Fred: Yes, but did you notice the next level special effects.
Young Fred: I liked Poe. What's his story?
Old Fred: Due to streaming models, Disney probably left the stories of Poe, Rey, and Finn unresolved for a spinoff.
Young Fred: So they'll be making more of these movies after 40 years?
Old Fred: Well, supposedly this is the end of the Skywalker Saga.
Young Fred: So Lando, the Emperor's Granddaughter, and the Droids all got happy endings, but Luke, Leia, Yoda, Han Solo, and this Kylo Ren character all turned into Force Ghosts?
Old Fred: Uh, yeah, I guess, brass tacks, you are correct. You missed it, but Darth Vader is a Force Ghost, too.
Young Fred: The movie should have been called Star Wars IX: A Palpatine Story.
AND THAT MOVIE SUCKED