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  • Writer's pictureFred

Star Wars IX: An Unconventional Review

Old Fred did a very long and thorough review of Star Wars VIII.

I purposely avoided Star Wars Wars IX because it was symbolic of the end of youth. I finally watched it today on DIsney+ and.....

You know what? I am 51, I am out of Disney's target demographic. I am going to let Young Fred review the movie: So here's what we did. We took 11 year old Fred, who just finished watching the Empire Strikes Back in 1980, shoved him in a time machine and made him watch The Rise of the Skywalker.

Young Fred: I am so confused. What happened to Luke?

Old Fred: He died in Star Wars VIII.

Young Fred: In a great battle?

Old Fred: No, he used his powers as a diversionary tactic. Then he turned into a Force Ghost.

Young Fred: Because he too became a general?

Old Fred: No, he kind of hid on a water planet like Waterworld.

Young Fred: Waterworld?

Old Fred: Nevermind. Any more questions.

Young Fred: What happened to Han Solo?

Old Fred: Solo and Leia had a kid and went their separate ways. That kid was Kylo Ren. Kylo Ren then killed Han Solo.

Young Fred: In a great battle?

Old Fred: No, not really.

Young Fred: And Carrie Fisher's acting wasn't very good. She used to sparkle on the screen.

Old Fred: That's easy to explain. In real life, Carrie Fisher died and they used CGI for her scenes.

Young Fred: So Star Wars IX was a climactic battle between... uh,...Emperor Palpatine, his granddaughter, and Kylo Ren?

Old Fred: Yes, but did you notice the next level special effects.

Young Fred: I liked Poe. What's his story?

Old Fred: Due to streaming models, Disney probably left the stories of Poe, Rey, and Finn unresolved for a spinoff.

Young Fred: So they'll be making more of these movies after 40 years?

Old Fred: Well, supposedly this is the end of the Skywalker Saga.

Young Fred: So Lando, the Emperor's Granddaughter, and the Droids all got happy endings, but Luke, Leia, Yoda, Han Solo, and this Kylo Ren character all turned into Force Ghosts?

Old Fred: Uh, yeah, I guess, brass tacks, you are correct. You missed it, but Darth Vader is a Force Ghost, too.

Young Fred: The movie should have been called Star Wars IX: A Palpatine Story.


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