Why Do People Keep Trying to Put Fiber in My Soda?
- Fred
- 2 days ago
- 3 min read
Updated: 3 hours ago
My diet is terrible.
I drink too much soda, I don't eat many greens, and, due to a history of kidney stones, I have cut nuts and fresh spinach from my personal menu.
What is my only healthy habit? I usually eat a fiber-based cereal with lactose free milk.
A few months back, I was at the grocery store with my wife and I asked her what Poppi was. Her reply, only half joking, was "it's healthy pop. You wouldn't like it."
"Why wouldn't I like it?" I replied.
"It helps your digestive system."
"Like, how?"
"They put fiber in it."
"You know what? Forget it, I get enough fiber. I'm just going to buy a Pepsi."
Then almost on cue....
About a month ago, I wasn't watching antenna TV, I am almost positive I was watching Tubi or Pluto, when this add came up:
Prebiotic Pepsi? Is that the fiber-thing again? I thought to myself.
Listen, sorry to be old fashioned, but I want my Cola with lots of Sugar and Caffeine in it. If I wanted something healthy, I'd buy Ensure.
I once dislocated my jaw and drank Ensure for a week. It was very good and I highly recommend it.... for people with broken jaws.
For people without broken, or dislocated, jaws, I highly recommend eating.
Why don't I drink Ensure today? Again, because I am lactose intolerant and Ensure is dairy-based.
Editor's Note: That's not entirely true. Ensure now has an Ensure Plant-Based Protein option, which uses fava beans and pea proteins, instead of dairy.
Why does everyone want me to drink healthy? I just want a sugar-based drink, with no fiber, to trigger a diabetic coma. I am now seeking that early exit.
Do they still sell Jolt Cola? I'm gonna ask AI:
"Yes, Jolt Cola is still made, though it has been reimagined as a zero-sugar energy drink. Relaunched by the sports supplement company REDCON1, the modern version of Jolt comes in 16-oz cans with 200mg of caffeine and functional ingredients, completely replacing the original highly sugary formula."
Sugar-free Jolt? What the hell is wrong with this country....
As I was writing this article, this came up yesterday at the USA Today for Olipop Soda. Olipop Soda? Let me guess-
Jeez, I feel like a modern day Andy Rooney, I want a feel-bad soda.
Olipop, too, has prebiotic fiber, and just a little bit of sugar.
Who's Andy Rooney you ask?
How many prebiotic sodas are there? According to Women's Health Magazine, these are the 6 best:
Olipop
De La Calle Tepache
Daytrip
Poppi
Mighty Pop
wildwonder
Of the 6, wildwonder's drink promotion caught my eye: "Contains over one billion live probiotics per can."
I mean, that sounds like a lot, but I don't know that for a fact. For all I know, a billion live probiotics could be too many.
Editor's Note II: That, too, is easy to look up. Back to AI: "One billion probiotics (Colony Forming Units or CFUs) is considered a good, standard dose for general daily maintenance and digestive support in healthy adults. However, if you are targeting specific digestive issues (like occasional bloating) or trying to recover from a disruption, a higher dose (10 to 50 billion) is often more effective."
Wait a minute, what's the difference between a PREbiotic and a PRObiotic??
And 50 billion of anything really does sound like a lot---
Screw it, time to go straight to alcohol.
The iconic fortified citrus wine Night Train Express was officially discontinued by its parent company, E. & J. Gallo Winery, in 2016. While an occasional dusty bottle might surface at vintage resellers or specialty online spirit shops, it is no longer in active production.
AAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!
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